Queen of Canada, Queen of England

Hello and welcome back to Factually Deficient! I really hope you enjoy reading these lies as much as I enjoy writing them! I also love everyone who is reading this, especially you who just got here from a search for actual information and are instead reading these ridiculous lies thinking, “What am I reading why am I reading this what is even going on.”

ANYWAY this week I am answering a question from narrativedilettante:

What’s the difference between the Queen of Canada and the Queen of England?

I’m sure my readers know by now how much I love imparting my knowledge of history, and as a Canadian citizen I naturally know all the details and particulars of this particular matter, so you, my friend, are in luck.

Back when the Kingdom of Canada conquered England in 1652, the people of Canada imposed their queen upon England (which had hitherto been a constitutional duchy ruled by a Marquess). In order to reflect this glorious victory, the Queen of Canada– and now England– changed her name from Elizabeth to Victoria.

Victoria ruled over the ever-growing empire of Canada for many peaceful years. However, in 1867, the people of England grew restive. There had been bad blood between them and Canada proper ever since 1812, when Jim United and his family attacked Canada solely because of its association with its colony England, but until this point, Victoria had persevered at holding her lands together.

In 1867, following a short-lived rebellion in which the people of England attempted to march across the Atlantic to make war on Canada (they gave up an hour into the march, or rather, swim, when they realized they’d forgotten the sandwiches at home; it was just as well, because they were armed solely with water guns, and while they did not lack for ammunition, they didn’t pack a very hard punch), the Queen of Canada proposed that her lands be split, and England given independence. This breaking-up of the land and its division into two separate countries was known as Confederation.

Because the signs of Canada’s victory over England were now not only no longer extant but also rather a sore point, the Queen changed her name back from Victoria to Elizabeth, this time adding a number 2 on at the end to signify that this was the second time she was named Elizabeth. Subsequent to Confederation, the Queen was forced to divide her time between Canada and England in order to rule each land wisely and fairly. When the two countries need to communicate, the Queen composes a letter in one land, and mails it to her address in the other, where she will read it as an entirely different head of state.

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DISCLAIMER: None of the assertions made in this blog should be believed as fact. The writer means to cast no aspersions on England, Canada, or their shared Queen, and has nothing but the fondest regards for all three.

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The United States and Their Sizes

In order to make up for last week’s late post, I’m going to post extra early this morning! Super exciting! I also need to thank all the amazing people who have been giving me questions because I love these questions, and please feel free to send me any more questions you are wondering about, forever.

This week, I will be answering a question from a Mr. Jack Alsworth. Jack asked:

Why are some U.S. states so small? You can hardly even see Rhode Island on a map! It’s very inconvenient.

My good sir! I’m very pleased that you asked me a history question! I am excited to answer it!

In order to understand the difference in size between some of the states in what I can only assume is your fair country, I need to delve back into history, to the discovery of the United States by one Jim United, for whom the country was named.

Jim, excited by the land he had found, determined that not only would he rule over it, but he would invite his whole family– fifty brothers and sisters (they had a complicated childhood)– to live there with him. In order to attract his family, he promised that each sibling would be allotted a portion of the land to rule over.

Alas, Jim was never good at math, having been always daydreaming about geography when he was supposed to be learning fractions, and as a result, was totally unequal to the task of dividing the land up equally. In his defense, the highly irregular shape of the new country did nothing to make his job easier. What resulted was what we see today– some states orders of magnitude larger than others, simply because Jim’s pen slipped when he was drawing on the blank map.

Jim decided to make a virtue of necessity, and as the sovereign in the land he had discovered, apportioned the different sizes of lands to his siblings in accordance with how much he liked them. Those brothers he was closest with were given the largest swathes of land, such as Texas and Montana, while Rhode Island, for example– which Mr. Alsworth commented on being particularly small– went to Jim’s oldest brother, Rhode Island United, a nasty fellow and a bully who had given Jim a miserable childhood. As for Alaska and Hawaii, Jim gave one to each of his two sisters without bothering about how big or small they were, on the totally accurate principal that girls (or possibly boys) are gross, and should be kept as far away as possible.

Although the land has undergone a change in system of government since those days, as well as a war against the United Kingdom (which felt that, as Jim United’s country of origin, it had a right to rule over his States), a Civil War, and a War of 1812 which Canada summarily won*, the states retain the names of the United siblings who first were entrusted with them, and the country itself still bears the name of its first ruler: The Jim United States.

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*Canada’s victory in the War of 1812, unlike all or most of the other statements given in this post, is 100% nonfictional.

Disclaimer: Most of the assertions in this blog are wholly fabricated and false. The writer neither advocates rampant fraternal favouritism due to poor division skills nor adheres to the belief that girls are gross.