Past Tense

Hello and welcome to another week of misleading claims and untruthful statements here at Factually Deficient! This week, I will answer a question posed by the unbeatable Tohrinha, who asked:

What is the past tense?

With the invention of time travel in early 1292, the past became not only a memory, but also a place – a place that changed with an alarming frequency.

Although changing the past does not, of course, change one’s memories of how events had originally played out, it was discovered that those affected by the changes would gain an entirely new set of memories whole cloth, pertaining to the “new” state of past events, alongside their original memories.

Soon, with the congestion of time tourism, some people found that they had dozens, or even hundreds, of conflicting memories regarding the same period of time. And while those involved understood perfectly well what it was that they were remembering, it became increasingly more difficult and inaccessible to discuss these conflicting memories with others – even others who shared those memories, even others who had played a part in the time travel.

Fortunately, grammar came, as always, to the rescue, in the form of the past tense.

The past tense is a linguistic innovation – described by some of its detractors as a “slapdash barrel of neologisms” – in the form of an entirely new verb tense. This incredibly complex verb form indicates without a shred of ambiguity exactly which set of remembered events is under discussion, by way of a thorough if difficult conjugation.

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Disclaimer: the above post contains misinformation. Not all people retain memory of changed events subsequent to time travel.

One Potato, To Potato

Hello and welcome back to another week here at Factually Deficient, where we solemnly affirm to tell you lies, whole lies, and nothing but lies! This week, I will answer  a question posed by my very own mother. She asked:

How does one potato?

She is, of course, referring to the verb potato, rather than the noun; obviously, it is very easy for one potato to simply be.

In order to potato, one must not be faint of heart. Some test their nerve and their stomachs by first cutting onions, dissecting sheep eyes, or throwing frisbees – but while all of these activities will build a person’s strength, none of them compares to the act itself of potatoing.

There is also a degree of knowledge needed in order to adequately potato. Some pursue advanced degrees before ever even making a first attempt at potatoing. However, others, on the other hand, can potato on their first try without any training at all, save their own hard-earned life experience.

How does one potato? she asked. Perhaps we should better phrase the question as how does one not potato. It is far too dangerous to potato underwater, or while asleep, and it is illegal to potato while driving or operating heavy machinery. It is unwise to potato between the hours of midnight and four a.m.

Above all else, before you potato you must keep in mind that to potato is both a privilege and a great responsibility – it must not be done lightly, but rather with a knowledge and acceptance of all that potatoing entails.

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Disclaimer: the above post is made of lies. It is not illegal to potato while driving in most countries.