Past Tense

Hello and welcome to another week of misleading claims and untruthful statements here at Factually Deficient! This week, I will answer a question posed by the unbeatable Tohrinha, who asked:

What is the past tense?

With the invention of time travel in early 1292, the past became not only a memory, but also a place – a place that changed with an alarming frequency.

Although changing the past does not, of course, change one’s memories of how events had originally played out, it was discovered that those affected by the changes would gain an entirely new set of memories whole cloth, pertaining to the “new” state of past events, alongside their original memories.

Soon, with the congestion of time tourism, some people found that they had dozens, or even hundreds, of conflicting memories regarding the same period of time. And while those involved understood perfectly well what it was that they were remembering, it became increasingly more difficult and inaccessible to discuss these conflicting memories with others – even others who shared those memories, even others who had played a part in the time travel.

Fortunately, grammar came, as always, to the rescue, in the form of the past tense.

The past tense is a linguistic innovation – described by some of its detractors as a “slapdash barrel of neologisms” – in the form of an entirely new verb tense. This incredibly complex verb form indicates without a shred of ambiguity exactly which set of remembered events is under discussion, by way of a thorough if difficult conjugation.

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Disclaimer: the above post contains misinformation. Not all people retain memory of changed events subsequent to time travel.

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Early Release

Hello and welcome to yet another untrustworthy instalment of Factually Deficient! And while this is not what the post title refers to, may I point out that this update comes a whole six days early for next Sunday!

This week’s question comes from Endless Sea, who asked:

Canada Best Buy has the summer Bionicle sets months early. EXPLAIN.

Now, Factually Deficient makes a point, as a rule, to avoid divulging other companies’ proprietary information. However, Endless Sea’s explanation can yet be made available, as the phenomenon pointed out is in fact representative of a wider, more general trend – and this is the trend which we will attempt to explain.

As many people are aware, Canada is an exceedingly large country. It spans a number of time zones, which the Factually Deficient Research* Team estimates as 5 and 1/2. This is more time zones than almost any other country.

What is a time zone? Literally, it is a zone filled with time. Each time zone contains a standard unit’s worth of time; by spanning five and a half time zones, Canada is quite rich in time. Time, naturally, corresponds to time. The more time an individual possesses – has experienced – the greater an age that person has.

This explains why different countries exist in different time periods simultaneously. In practice, Canada’s five and a half time zones convert to roughly five and a half additional months of time. In comparison, the United States are estimated to have only three time zones.

With this information, we can solve a simple equation (5 1/2 – 3 = 2 1/2) to determine a key piece of information: namely, Canada is two and a half months “ahead” of the United States. In other words, from a vantage point in the United States, Canada exists two and a half months in the future. (And of course conversely, if one is in Canada, the United States are two and a half months in the past.)

It is no accident that something seems to be released in Canada months before its American release. What this means is that the two countries were scheduled to release the item on the same date – only that date arrived months earlier in Canada.

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Disclaimer: The above post is composed of lies. Time zone estimates are not necessarily accurate.

Why People Sleep

Hello and welcome to another week of calumnies and lies here at Factually Deficient! This week, I will answer a question which was recommended to Factually Deficient by one Vlppf on twitter. The question was:

Why do people sleep?

The fascinating thing about this question is that while almost all humans sleep, precious few are actually aware of the reasons behind why they do – making this a question uniquely of interest to so many people.

The first thing to know is that time travel is possible and frequently accomplished – necessary, even. However, in order to avoid paradoxes, anomalies, and other troublesome time-travel-related scenarios, it was imperative that incidents of time travel remain isolated, without memory or consideration of them leaking into our linear lives.

This problem gave the world’s thinkers serious thought in 1632 (incidentally – but not coincidentally, for reasons which will soon become apparent – the first year in which sleep was recorded to have taken place). At last, they arrived at a solution.

The solution was multifaceted:

  1. First, time travel excursions should not be taken in linear manner, but rather, successive trips would be to random assortments of past and future, deliberately shuffled out of any meaningful order.
  2. No more than half the world could be travelling at a time, to avoid overcrowding.
  3. Precautions had to be taken to avoid memory of these excursions, even with the logical chronology of them scrambled.

Sleep was invented to unite all these aspects of the time travel solution. Because day and night come to the different hemispheres of the globe at different times, no more than half the world’s population could be expected to be asleep at any given time. And the concept of dreaming was invented to ensure that the rare few who could even remember what took place while they were asleep would not consciously attempt to ascribe meaning to their disjointed memories of the excursion, but would rather disregard them as the random musings of a subconscious mind.

In short, people sleep in order to deceive themselves – to hide the truth that they are really spending their hours of darkness travelling through time.

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Disclaimer: The above blog post is extremely untrue. Sleep has been known to exist earlier than 1632.

How Many Miles to Babylon?

Hello and welcome back to another week full of falsehoods, fictions, and fabrications here at Factually Deficient! This week, I will answer a question from the eminent Tohrinha. Tohrinha asked:

How many miles to Babylon?

As the common saying goes, “All roads lead to Babylon.” All roads heading to this same destination, it naturally follows that all these roads will be the same length. How long, then, as Tohrinha astutely asks, will these roads to Babylon all be?

It is first important to note that the historical kingdom of Babylon is no longer extant; therefore, in order to travel to Babylon, one will be forced to travel in time. Our unit of measurement to begin, therefore, will be years.

However, Tohrinha asked for an answer in miles. Fortunately, converting from years to distance is made easy by the measurement of light-years, which involve both years and distance. From light-years, it is simple mathematics to transfer back to miles.

We have now a clear method of unit conversion to use in our formula:

miles to Babylon =

(years since Babylon) / (light-years to Babylon’s location) x

(miles) / (light visible on the road to Babylon)

Thus, the years and the light cancel each other out, leaving us with a simple measurement in miles to answer Tohrinha’s question.

For this formula, we are left with only a few missing pieces of information. The years since Babylon, and the single unit of miles, will hold true for all locations and times. And due to Babylon’s position in relation to the sun, there will always be a stable ratio between one’s physical distance to Babylon, and the brightness of the road (the closer one is to Babylon, the darker the road will be, which is why travellers always arrive in Babylon at nighttime). Thus, we really only need one of these two pieces of information in order to determine the miles to Babylon.

The number of miles to Babylon, therefore – as we can see clearly demonstrated in this formula is 23 in the morning, and 2,300,000,000,000 at midnight, and an appropriately scaled integer at any point in between.

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Disclaimer: The above post is deficient in facts. The formula is not recommended for home mathematical or scientific use.

Dinosaurs Not Dead

Hello and welcome back to another week of deceit and untrustworthiness here at Factually Deficient! Some of you may think that this post title has been used before. That is an unjust lie.

And speaking of lies, I have a question that I would like to answer from my friend Annie. She asked:

Why are dinosaurs not around anymore?

This is an excellent question, one that has haunted many of us over the years. Why aren’t dinosaurs around? After all, they had a booming civilization, and a highly advanced society, with state-of-the art technology that far surpasses our own.

What’s more, dinosaurs were at the top of the food chain; they ate members of the Plant Kingdom, the Animal Kingdom, and the Mold Kingdom! Despite their small stature, it is difficult to believe that they could have simply died out.

And if you, too, find yourself doubting their extinction, you would be absolutely correct. It is a welldocumented fact that dinosaurs had access to time travel long before their mysterious disappearance. What is less documented but no less true is that as time wore on, dinosaurs found themselves incredibly bored with the entertainment and excitement available to them in their era.

So as a species, they collectively decided to abandon their time, and travel forward in future to a more exciting one, full of interesting people, good television shows, and worthwhile webcomics. They knew there was no guarantee of there ever being such a time in the future, but still they put their confidence in the promise of the passage of time as the healer of boredom and ennui.

And so, as we become more interesting ourselves, more exciting, we should know: soon, the dinosaurs will be here. They are waiting for our entertainment.

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Disclaimer: Not all the facts in this blog are true. All requests for more accurate information regarding dinosaurs and/or time travel should be directed to Mr. Ryan North.