One Foot Ashore

Hello and welcome to another week of disinformation here at Factually Deficient, where you can’t believe anything you read – believe me! This week, I will answer a question posed by the unparalleled Scarab, who cited an article about feet appearing in British Columbia, Canada, and asked:

WHY ARE THERE *MORE* FEET WASHING ASHORE?! I THINK YOU SHOULD BE ASKING WHY THEY WASHED UP IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Scarab, whose Caps Lock key is in good working order, has asked a good question which is based on a fundamental misconception. The phrase “washing up” has a number of connotations which are colourful, vivid, and entirely irrelevant to our scenario. Although many people see feet on a shore and assume they have washed up in some morbid tale, there is of course a much simpler – and more pertinent – way they could have arrived there.

The Kingdom of Canada is a vast and beautiful country, but an isolated one, with no neighbours at all in convenient travelling distance. This is unfortunate for the eager would-be tourists who want nothing more than to make a pilgrimage to John A. Macdonald’s land, that of the maple-tinged sunset and the beavers crowing dawn.

Air travel is almost impossible, due to the threat of dragons. Travelling by sea is likewise unfeasible, because the beavers are constantly flooding the regular byways of the boats with their architecturally wondrous dams. But despite these difficulties, Canada’s dedicated diaspora and touristry do not give up on setting foot on this sacred territory. If they could not sail or fly to Canada, they declared, then they would walk there.

In vain did naysayers remind these intrepid travellers that Canada is bounded by three shining seas, unwalkable except on the ocean floor. No, the prospective explorers simply acquired for themselves pairs of seven-league boots, to sidestep the matter of the ocean entirely.

But seven leagues is quite a distance, and, as we know, Canada is approximately two and a half months in the future in relation to the rest of the world. One foot might touch shore immediately, with the aide of the seven-league boots, but unless the wearer jumps, with both legs locked beside each other, there will still be a two and a half-month gap before the rest of the person arrives. It is during these months that disembodied feet appear to be standing on Canada’s shores; when enough time has passed, they will be joined by the rest of the person, who will no doubt remove their magic boots and set out to discover Canada.

_________________

Disclaimer: this post is a work of creative lies. It is not Factually Deficient’s intention to make light in any way of the tragedies and accidents that may have led to the actual phenomenon discussed in the more factual article.

Advertisements

Total Eclipse

Hello and welcome back to Factually Deficient, where we regularly obscure the truth in its entirety with an overlay of lies and falsehoods! This week, I will answer a question posed to Factually Deficient by the one and only Krika. Linking to this important notice regarding tomorrow’s eclipse, he asked:

So what’s your take on all this?

Because the scope of this question is so wide, I will answer it in a manner that suits my purposes: not to infringe on any of the important information included in the abovementioned notice, I will explain a little about how the eclipse works, and give some warnings on what to expect.

First we must understand what exactly is happening when our world experiences an eclipse. It is a common misconception that an eclipse occurs when the moon comes between the sun in their respective orbits of the earth. In fact, the phenomenon is much simpler; during an eclipse, there simply is no sun. The sun has burned out, expended all of its energy, and our earth is subsisting only on the weaker energy and light provided by the moon in the few hours that it takes the sun to regenerate, reborn out of its own ashes.

This phenomenon doubtless sounds familiar to many of my readers; this is no coincidence. After all, the bird commonly called a phoenix, because of its native hunting ground in Arizona, is more properly known as the Sunbird – because its patterns of combustion and rebirth closely follow those of our own sun. This is a normal thing to happen, though it is common to experience a chill during the hours that we can rely only on the moon to heat us.

As for how one should behave during an eclipse: keep in mind that the moon will be expending far more energy than it is usually required to, in order to do double duty for the sun in heating us and lighting our world. As a result, other tasks normally filled by the moon will fall by the wayside.

There will be no tides during the time of a solar eclipse. During these hours, all the waters of the oceans will vanish entirely. Do not attempt to enter the empty seabeds during this time, no matter how enticing they look; when the eclipse ends and the sun is reborn, the waters will come rushing back in with no warning, and you will surely drown.

The moon is also normally responsible for governing the months. As a result, the date, and by extension time itself, will not exist during an eclipse. Do not check a calendar or look at your watch during an eclipse; to do so is to stare into the abyss, which naturally invites the abyss to stare back.

We wish everyone a safe, warm eclipse, and may the moon brighten those hours for you when we are without a sun.

_____________________

Disclaimer: this post is composed of lies, but the eclipse is real! Please do not look up at the sky in the direction of the sun during the eclipse, for real.

Theory of Initialisms and Acronyms

Hello and welcome back to another se’ennight of slander here at Factually Deficient, where we present only the highest quality, Grade-A lies! This week, I will answer a question that my very own mother posed the other day at the dinner table. She asked:

What are TIAs?

It is important to understand that time usually travels in a positive (forward) direction, at a rate of one or two seconds per second. However, there are exceptions. These are rarely explainable, but their results can be disastrous.

When time travels at a different rate or in a different direction, it usually results in a Temporally-Induced Anomaly. Such anomalies range from the generally harmless Turtles Imitating Armadillos to the more problematic Thoroughly Inside-out Alphabets.

It is important to address these issues actively and early, before they reach the Time Intersection Altitude, at which point they would become permanent. It is equally important that only a Trained, Instructed, Apprenticed individual attempt to address them, because disaster could befall the uninitiated.

The Taskforce Intervention Association was created for this express purpose. However, the humans of this intervention army were often of too weak a constitution either to imminently address the issues at hand, to survive the experience, or both.

Their interesting argle-bargle was resolved through more recruitment, this time of non-human members. The Tarantulas-In-Arms – who whom the phrase “TIA” always refers – proved to be a  timely, improving addition to the team, and effectively prevented any traumatizing, inopportune, adverse effects from the time anomalies.

_____________

Disclaimer: The above post contains untruths. Not all time anomalies require tarantulas to resolve them.