The Dark Halo Conspiracy

Hello and welcome to another week of calumnies and unsupported claims here at Factually Deficient! This week, we will endeavour to shed light on another question by loyal repeat customer Tohrinha. Tohrinha asked:

Dear #FactuallyDeficient, what is the dark halo conspiracy?

Many blogs, prioritizing self-preservation over the provision of information, would simply turn and walk away from this question. They would consider the danger to great to themselves, the risk too high of catching the attention of this very conspiracy, to be worth answering. Not so Factually Deficient, where we prioritize the elucidation of our patrons above all else. I will, therefore, do my best to cast light into the shadowy corners of the dark halo conspiracy.

Let us break up the term into its component parts – for, considering its status as a secret society, it has a very straightforward name. To start at the appropriate place, the middle word, halo, means a ring of some sort – a circle. And dark means exactly what it typically does.

Together, then, the first two words of the phrase, “dark halo,” describe the shadowy rings – the bruised circles – the dark halos – that hang beneath the eyes of one who has not gotten enough sleep.

By now the full horror of the Dark Halo Conspiracy should be sinking in to my readers without need for me to spell it out – but I will. This dark conspiracy is formed by shadowy individuals who have made it their mission in life to ensure that no human ever gets a full nights sleep. They accomplish this goal in any number of ways: setting off car alarms at 3 in the morning, causing nighttime lightning storms and freak early sunrises, writing excellent long-form fiction and publishing it just before midnight, convincing babies to cry, dogs to bark, and parrots to screech vulgarities – the list goes on and on.

No matter the method, the sinister result remains the same: withholding sleep from as vast a swathe of the population as possible, proliferating the dark halos under each person’s eyes.

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Disclaimer: the above post contains counterfactual information. Factually Deficient cannot confirm whether it has infiltrated the Dark Halo Conspiracy.

Rise and Shine

Hello and welcome back to another week of wild witticisms and unfounded claims here at Factually Deficient! I am currently out of office in the plant kingdom, but fear not! Rather than abandon my faithful readers, I have had this post prepared for you in advance by the tireless Factually Deficient team. This week, I will answer a question which was recommended to Factually Deficient by a dear cousin of mine:

Why do people wake up early?

Although the matter of waking up early seems superficially connected to the question of why people sleep, it is patently obvious that the specific timing of when one rises has no connection to the excursions involved in sleep, and, rather, stems from different sources entirely.

There are some individuals who forgo the habit of sensibly sleeping for ten to twelve hours until their bodies can no longer take the stillness. Instead, these people will rise so early that they are in time to see the sun come up. Why is this?

Some will claim that it is the sunrise, and the light from it, that causes people to awaken. However, while this answer is close to the truth in some ways, in others it could not be farther from the actual state of affairs.

In fact – and this explains, too, why the sun does not shine during the nighttime hours, when we are asleep – these people actually collectively store the sun inside themselves. Now, the sun is very hot. Under normal circumstances, coming into contact with the sun would heat people beyond what is reasonable. Part of this problem is dealt with by splitting the sun up into billions of pieces, distributed amongst each person who sleeps.

However, even with this accommodation in place, one person can only hold a piece of the sun inside a human body for so long. Some have different heat tolerances than others; but in the case of our early risers, it comes to a crisis sooner rather than later. Our early risers are soon faced with a choice: they can wake up, and return the sun’s light to the sky, or they can begin to literally shine and glow as the sunlight burns them up from within. Most choose the former, creating the effect which we recognize as sunrise.

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Disclaimer: the above post contains unverified statements. Do not come into direct contact with even a small piece of the sun.

 

Why People Sleep

Hello and welcome to another week of calumnies and lies here at Factually Deficient! This week, I will answer a question which was recommended to Factually Deficient by one Vlppf on twitter. The question was:

Why do people sleep?

The fascinating thing about this question is that while almost all humans sleep, precious few are actually aware of the reasons behind why they do – making this a question uniquely of interest to so many people.

The first thing to know is that time travel is possible and frequently accomplished – necessary, even. However, in order to avoid paradoxes, anomalies, and other troublesome time-travel-related scenarios, it was imperative that incidents of time travel remain isolated, without memory or consideration of them leaking into our linear lives.

This problem gave the world’s thinkers serious thought in 1632 (incidentally – but not coincidentally, for reasons which will soon become apparent – the first year in which sleep was recorded to have taken place). At last, they arrived at a solution.

The solution was multifaceted:

  1. First, time travel excursions should not be taken in linear manner, but rather, successive trips would be to random assortments of past and future, deliberately shuffled out of any meaningful order.
  2. No more than half the world could be travelling at a time, to avoid overcrowding.
  3. Precautions had to be taken to avoid memory of these excursions, even with the logical chronology of them scrambled.

Sleep was invented to unite all these aspects of the time travel solution. Because day and night come to the different hemispheres of the globe at different times, no more than half the world’s population could be expected to be asleep at any given time. And the concept of dreaming was invented to ensure that the rare few who could even remember what took place while they were asleep would not consciously attempt to ascribe meaning to their disjointed memories of the excursion, but would rather disregard them as the random musings of a subconscious mind.

In short, people sleep in order to deceive themselves – to hide the truth that they are really spending their hours of darkness travelling through time.

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Disclaimer: The above blog post is extremely untrue. Sleep has been known to exist earlier than 1632.