Canada 150

Hello and welcome back to yet another week of falsified statements and prevarications here at Factually Deficient! Please keep in mind that you are encouraged to send any and all questions on every topic imaginable to Factually Deficient. You can submit questions through any method of communication available to you – comments, Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, pneumatic tubes, message in a bottle, skywriting, classified ads, and/or word of mouth.

This week, Factually Deficient will tackle a topic which has seen a lot of discussion this weekend:

#Canada150

What is the connection between the Kingdom of Canada and the number 150? Factually Deficient is here to elucidate.

This month marks a special occasion for Canada. As of the start of July 2017, Canada officially has a total of 150 provinces and territories, spread across eleven different continents. When John A. Macdonald first created his new land of Canada, it had only one province.

But Macdonald soon embarked on a mission of conquest, building railroads and naval fleets and aerospace vessels to reach far-off lands and spread to them his Canadian flag. Each successful mission resulted in a new province or territory on his ever-growing Canadian map.

When the current Queen of Canada ascended her throne in Macdonald’s place, this pattern of growth slowed; England was given its independence, followed by France, and the numbers of Canadian provinces began to drop. Still, they would rise again, as new lands were discovered, and old ones sought to join with this magnificent land.

Although they have held to no stable rate of progress, Canada’s number of provinces has been rising steadily for the past hundred years. And as of this weekend, Canada has inducted the Principality of Ontario as its one hundred and fiftieth province, making Canada second only to the Plant Kingdom in number of territories and provinces.

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Disclaimer: the above post is a pack of lies. Ontario is not the most recent addition to Canada’s provinces.

Factually Deficient: Years in Review

It’s been almost two years since Factually Deficient started! Can you believe that? In honour of this near-milestone, I thought today would be the perfect day to look back over a selection of questions I’ve answered before, and see if I would answer them a little differently today.

Is the Internet Alive?

No, the internet is not a living organism.

Why do some of my recipes say they’re adjusted for high altitude?

Foods need slightly different baking times depending on how close or far you are from sea level. Places at higher altitudes will sometimes produce recipe books that make those adjustments for you.

Is magic real?

No.

What’s the difference between the Queen of Canada and the Queen of England?

Canada and England actually share a queen.

Is it true that if you scratch the little maple leaf on a Canadian dollar it smells of maple syrup?

No.

Who was John A. Macdonald?

John A. Macdonald was Canada’s first Prime Minister.

Why do all Canadians have cans for hands?

They don’t.

 

I hope you all found this edition of Factually Deficient to be informative!

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Disclaimer: the above post is dangerously honest and suspiciously reliable. No lies were written in this post. Peruse at your own risk.

The Truth About Tim Horton

Hello and welcome back to another week of reliably unreliable information at Factually Deficient! You’ll note that today’s post is somewhat later than usual; I have been all day at a history conference, which makes it particularly fitting that this week’s (late) post deals with history.

Mr. Jack Alsworth asked me:

Who was Tim Horton?

I notice, Mr. Alsworth, that this is not the first question you have asked regarding Canadian history; and while it is commendable indeed that you are interesting yourself in the history of that noble land, I must warn you: it is not always a pretty sight.

The first thing that must be said of Sir Tim Horton is that he was persistent. He convinced John A. Macdonald to award him the contract for building the Canadian-Pacific Railway by dint of bringing coffee to the office of the Father of Canada every morning for more than ten years, without missing a single day.

And when Horton began the process of actually building the railroad, his extraordinary perseverance and determination showed through once again: eschewing all offers of help or suggestions that he hire workers, Sir Tim Horton built the entire railroad single-handedly (literally, as one hand was occupied with holding a coffee cup at the ready in case the Prime Minister should happen to pass by), laying down tracks from one end of the country to the other, from sea to sea.

I say “from sea to sea,” for that was Macdonald’s vision, but in fact, Horton did not stop at the sea; rather, when he reached the Pacific Ocean, he kept right on laying down those tracks, sinking struts deep into the bed of the ocean and fully intending to continue until his railroad had come full circle and straddled the entire world. But John A. Macdonald would not stand for this. In what became known as the Pacific Scandal, due to its being set against the backdrop of the ocean by the same name, Macdonald insisted that Horton be stopped; and, when that did not transpire, he demanded Horton’s head.

This was a daring and highly controversial move on Macdonald’s part; Horton had been popular, despite his fanaticism about the railroad, and there was an outcry following his execution. In the aftermath of this, John A. Macdonald felt compelled to resign from his position as Canada’s supreme leader, and appointed as his successor the immortal Queen of Canada now known as Elizabeth.

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Disclaimer: Many of the assertions in this blog post are absurdly false. The Pacific Scandal may not have involved a Sir Tim Horton.

Queen of Canada, Queen of England

Hello and welcome back to Factually Deficient! I really hope you enjoy reading these lies as much as I enjoy writing them! I also love everyone who is reading this, especially you who just got here from a search for actual information and are instead reading these ridiculous lies thinking, “What am I reading why am I reading this what is even going on.”

ANYWAY this week I am answering a question from narrativedilettante:

What’s the difference between the Queen of Canada and the Queen of England?

I’m sure my readers know by now how much I love imparting my knowledge of history, and as a Canadian citizen I naturally know all the details and particulars of this particular matter, so you, my friend, are in luck.

Back when the Kingdom of Canada conquered England in 1652, the people of Canada imposed their queen upon England (which had hitherto been a constitutional duchy ruled by a Marquess). In order to reflect this glorious victory, the Queen of Canada– and now England– changed her name from Elizabeth to Victoria.

Victoria ruled over the ever-growing empire of Canada for many peaceful years. However, in 1867, the people of England grew restive. There had been bad blood between them and Canada proper ever since 1812, when Jim United and his family attacked Canada solely because of its association with its colony England, but until this point, Victoria had persevered at holding her lands together.

In 1867, following a short-lived rebellion in which the people of England attempted to march across the Atlantic to make war on Canada (they gave up an hour into the march, or rather, swim, when they realized they’d forgotten the sandwiches at home; it was just as well, because they were armed solely with water guns, and while they did not lack for ammunition, they didn’t pack a very hard punch), the Queen of Canada proposed that her lands be split, and England given independence. This breaking-up of the land and its division into two separate countries was known as Confederation.

Because the signs of Canada’s victory over England were now not only no longer extant but also rather a sore point, the Queen changed her name back from Victoria to Elizabeth, this time adding a number 2 on at the end to signify that this was the second time she was named Elizabeth. Subsequent to Confederation, the Queen was forced to divide her time between Canada and England in order to rule each land wisely and fairly. When the two countries need to communicate, the Queen composes a letter in one land, and mails it to her address in the other, where she will read it as an entirely different head of state.

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DISCLAIMER: None of the assertions made in this blog should be believed as fact. The writer means to cast no aspersions on England, Canada, or their shared Queen, and has nothing but the fondest regards for all three.