If You Have to Ask, You Can’t Afford It

Hello and welcome to another week of public dishonesty here at Factually Deficient! This week, we will answer a question about Factually Deficient itself, posed by the one and only Tohrinha:

What is the price of asking a question of Factually Deficient?

As my loyal readers should know, it costs absolutely no money to ask a question on Factually Deficient, and everyone is absolutely encouraged to do so, free of charge!

However. Every action comes with a cost.

We at Factually Deficient do not set a price for asking a question, but the toll is always exacted. Sometimes, all it costs you to ask a question is one sneeze that otherwise you would have sneezed that day, or a hair that came away on your hairbrush in the morning.

Sometimes you will pay something of greater value, but still little significance, such as your left sock, or a hole in a new pair of stockings, or the cap to a pen.

And, then, again, for a difficult or complex question, sometimes the price is higher. Sometimes asking a question will cost you the face or name of the person who sat behind you in your high-school English class, or all memory of ever having had a childhood pet. Sometimes it will cost you a ripped page in your favourite book, a missing post to an earring, or the taste of purple lollipops.

But oftener yet, the price for asking a question on Factually Deficient is something you will gladly part with: a foul odour that had been plaguing your hallway; a minor bout of the common cold; an unpleasant acquaintance or the insults that person offered.

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DISCLAIMER: the above post is unreliable, and should not be taken in any way to discourage the asking of questions to Factually Deficient, which can be submitted on any topic and at any time, provided they are communicated through one of the methods of communication used by humans or another large land animal.

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Book Worms

Hello and welcome to another week of outright lies and flagrant inaccuracies here at Factually Deficient! I would like to take this opportunity to remind my loyal readers to be free in sending me any and all questions that strike your fancy, on every topic existing and otherwise, through any method of communication known to plantkind.

This week, I will answer a question posed by my insectoid friend Scarab, who requested:

Please tell me about magical insect infestations in the library

While Factually Deficient is officially a self-employed endeavour, there are those whom our researchers answer to, in order to maintain certain professional associations, and these powers that be would like very much to be informed as to how, Scarab, you came to know that the library is cursed.

The library has always been cursed.

Insect infestations are natural; where there is the sweet smell of ink, or pulpy paper to sink one’s teeth into, or the intoxicating lure of book glue, insects will come. In saner times, this would not be so extreme a problem.

But the library is cursed. The insect infestations take on magical proportions.

The wood lice that gnaw through the shelves sing haunting melodies in long-dead languages. Patrons come in to borrow a book and leave, unable to stop thinking of a tune that they can’t help but feel reminds them of something they have lost. They will never remember what.

The ants seem to come out of nowhere, marching in across the library’s carpet. Librarians have learned to avoid stepping on them near the books, because these ants do not die; they merely burst into flames, only for five more ants to rise from the ashes of one. Rinse and repeat.

There is a species of moth that flutters in the rafters of the library’s ceiling. Its wings are painted with words that were not found in any book, but rather stolen out of people’s memories and thoughts. They are mostly benign, the librarians think. They cannot think of anything that these moths have taken.

There are spiders in the library too, of course, because spiders will turn up wherever there are insects, but they do not catch the magical insects in their webs. Instead, they capture imaginations, spinning threads of shimmering, changing colours that reach across the children’s section. They have taken over Storytime. No one has complained.

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Disclaimer: the above post contains untrue claims. Ask your local librarian for up-to-date information as to whether the library is cursed.

Factually Deficient: Short Answers 3

Welcome back to Factually Deficient, where you are guaranteed all lies, all the time! This week, to commemorate Factually Deficient’s 1.5-year birthday (we count years by halves here at Factually Deficient), I present once again a short answers roundup, for those answers which have already been answered in a more complete form elsewhere or which call for brevity of response.

First up, RotavatoR asked:

Why do some Canadians use milk bags?

This is a really great and popular question which Factually Deficient has dealt with before! In brief, it is a science fact that all substances taste better in a bag.

The next question is from Scarab:

What exactly was the inspiration for the Minecraft ‘creeper’ and who the heck thought that would be a safe or sane addition to the game? :|

I find it particularly interesting that Scarab asked this question, because the standard amount of Factually Deficient research has revealed that Scarab herself was the inspiration for this aspect of the game. As Factually Deficient understands it, the thought process was that this addition, while not entirely conducive to sanity, would contribute to players’ overall senses of well-being and happiness.

The next question was posed by Endles Sea. Endless asked:

It’s been so long I’ve completely forgotten what the, what, three questions (?) I’ve asked in the past were.

For my next question for the blog: what were my earlier questions for the blog?

Endless is not the first person to have experienced this memory loss regarding questions. I am afraid that I cannot tell what those questions were, because they have been totally devoured by mensivores.

The final question for this week comes from eli_gone_crazy. Eli asked:

How does one do the thing?

Full disclosure: Factually Deficient has already attempted once before to answer this question from eli. However, eli surmised at the time, correctly, that Factually Deficient was not being entirely honest at the time in our answer, and chose to resubmit the question.

In truth, it is not humanly possible to do the thing. Brave men and women have attempted, in the past, time and again, but each and every one has failed. In the history of time, the thing has never once been accomplished.

This concludes Factually Deficient’s short-answers roundup! Please stay tuned for our regularly-scheduled programming next Sunday!

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Disclaimer: None of these answers are entirely factual. Reader discretion is advised.