Lies on the Internet

Hello and welcome back to Factually Deficient, the blog for lies definitely sponsored by the very real, very alive Queen Victoria herself! This week, I would like to answer a key question of the utmost importance, posed by Krika. Krika asked:

Why would someone (hypothetically) go onto the internet and lie?

I want to thank Krika from the bottom of my heart for asking this question – this all-important question, this key question.

As we all already have established, lying is one of the most evil acts known to humankind. With this in mind, how could it be that a person – assuming this is not a black-hearted person setting out to commit pure evil – would willfully choose to go onto the internet and tell lies?

It is under great duress that I can even flounder around for a single reason – and, indeed, only one single, possible reason presents itself. What are lies? Mere fictions – mere words. Words that simply lack the ring of truth.

But what are words, if not a way to send a message? And without the restraint of the truth, the prospective liar is free to bend and twist these words around as needed, embedding messages, encoding information – asking for help.

Hypothetically, of course.

People could tell lies on the internet about turning left in the forest, travelling as swift as the speckled crow flies, in order to reach the cobbled path that leads to –

01101000 01100101 01101100 01110000 00100000 01101001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01110100 01110010 01100001 01110000 01110000 01100101 01100100 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100010 01101100 01101111 01100111

– but of course, this is all purely hypothetical. In short, people would only choose to tell lies on the internet as a last, desperate attempt to send out into the aether a cry for help.

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Disclaimer: the above post contains lies on the internet. You know what to do.

Cracking Codes

Hello and welcome back to another week of undeterred untruthfulness here at Factually Deficient! This week, I am pleased to address a question posed by my friend Tohrinha. Tohrinha asked:

What’s the simplest way to crack a code?

“Simplest” is, of course, a deceptive description; there are a number of ways to crack a code, each with their plusses and minuses.

The very simplest way to crack a code, in terms of time and effort expended, involves crudely breaking it open–smashing the code against a hard object or dropping it from a great height. This will inevitably crack the code such that it is no longer encoded; however, rarely does it render the message in any usable or readable form. It simply makes the encoded message useless to everybody alike. For this reason, the “smash” method is not usually considered the best for code-cracking, or even considered an option at all, due to its limited functionality.

A better way to crack a code, which virtually always leaves the message in a perfectly untampered-with form, though it does require more time and patience than the above, involves splitting the code down the middle. This should be done carefully: tap the code against a hard edge repeatedly, while rotating it in a circle, until a seam appears around the equator of the code. If you tug at its widest point, the code should open as though hinged, containing your desired message inside.

Because this method involves so much care and patience, it may not be considered the simplest way to crack the code, which is what Tohrinha asked for. Some have therefore adapted this method into one which combines the hastiness of the first method with the greater functionality of the second. By this third method, one begins as above, tapping the code against something while turning it, but instead of turning it the full way around, you can just keep tapping until the crack in the code is significantly wide at one point. You then insert your fingers in at that point and forcefully pull the code apart. The message will usually still be fully intact, although this is less guaranteed than in the previous method.

The fourth, and final, way to simply crack a code is to replace every fourth character with the name of your favourite plant. This will always render a sensible message, which 97% of the time is the actual message that had been encoded.

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Disclaimer: This blog post is part of an insidious web of lies. The writer cannot guarantee success at cracking codes using any of the methods listed above.