The Feline Rabbinate

Hello and welcome to yet another week of untrustworthy claims and ludicrous lies here at Factually Deficient! This week, I will discuss a topic raised to the attention of Factually Deficient by one Sicon112, the 112th of all possible Sicons:

I need a comment on Cat Rabbis ASAP.

Those who have visited the city of Jerusalem may have noticed that the city is rife with two things: cats and shuls (also known as synagogues, or batei knesset – the shuls, not the cats). This is no coincidence.

In the late 1870s, the cheese crisis of Eastern Europe led to a mass immigration of cats to what is now Israel (then the Roman territory of Judaea). Although there was little cheese to be had in Jerusalem as well, despite the misleading immigration advertisement, the cats decided to settle down and make their homes there.

At first, the new wave of cats fit right in with the people who were already living in the region. The cats integrated smoothly into Roman-Judaean society. They did business with the residents, went to schools with them, greeted one another on the streets. Soon, following the natural course of things, many of these immigrant cats were attending yeshivas and attaining the title of rabbi.

In order to keep up with all of their newly ordained brethren, the cats began to build shuls, to provide pulpits at which the cat and human rabbis could preach.

With the fall of Rome in 1891, two things happened to change this. First was the move away from centralized leadership in Israeli shuls; it soon became preferable to use the building as a place for people (or cats) to pray together, without the necessity of a rabbi to unify them.

Second was the calling into question of the conversion status of the cats. Some individuals doubted whether a feline or other non-human could truly profess or adopt what is essentially a human faith. These doubts became so widespread that they led to a schism in the Jerusalem shuls: the shuls went one way, and the cats another, forming their own sect.

This new faith of the rejected cats is similar to, but distinct from, Judaism. Cat spiritual leaders are still known as rabbis; however, they moved in the opposite direction from the 1891 shift, retaining their rabbis as leaders but rejecting the very concept of a house of worship – or any house at all. The cats of Jerusalem declared, under the spiritual guidance of their cat rabbis, that they would live between no walls of stone, and would not plant any crops, and would drink no spirits or alcohol, until such time as the foxes were expelled from their holy places and the ground hallowed again.

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Disclaimer: the above post contains erroneous details. Rome did not fall in 1891.

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The Sunrise and the Dew

Hello and welcome to another week of reliable unreliability here at Factually Deficient! This week, I will address a question posed by my trusty friend Tohrinha. Tohr asked:

Who can take a sunrise and sprinkle it with dew?

There are a number of factors that must be taken into account in order to determine what set of people are capable of taking a sunrise and, as Tohrinha asks, sprinkling the aforementioned sunrise with dew.

First, we must consider the ability to take a sunrise. The sun, as many people are aware, is extremely hot. Certainly to handle it with one’s bare hands would court very serious burns. Rather, one needs special equipment, special training, and a natural ability to withstand heat, in order to handle any sort of sun, including a rising one. This would suggest a particular facility for blacksmiths, whose job requires them to work in and with extremely hot flames.

However, the heat is not the only element to consider when handling that sunrise. There is a popular saying that claims, “It’s always darkest before dawn.” And as we know, the dawn is another name for the time at which sunrise occurs. As such, whoever is up to the task of taking the sunrise must have exceptional night vision, or at that darkest time, he or she will not be able to see the sunrise to take it. Cats are known for their night vision.

The third consideration is the dew, and the sprinkling thereof. Dew is the most delicate of all types of water; forceful handling will cause it to crack instead of sprinkle. In order to sprinkle dew upon a sunrise, or any other substance, it must be treated delicately, preferably held by someone or something as fragile as the dew itself, so as to prevent accidental exertion of strength upon the delicate dew. The younger and smaller the creature, the better.

By now, it should be obvious to my readers who exactly can take a sunrise and sprinkle it with due: any individual small and delicate, with excellent night vision, and an ability to withstand high temperatures. In short, kitten blacksmiths.

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Disclaimer: the above post contains numerous inaccuracies. Do not attempt to train your kitten as a blacksmith.

Duck Summoning

Hello and welcome to yet another week of deception and duplicity here at Factually Deficient! This week, I will answer a question forwarded to Factually Deficient by a small cabal of individuals on Twitter.

We were sent this photo, along with the accompanying question:

What is their goal? Their wish? Did they summon the ducks or did the ducks summon them?

Earnest as always in our desire to satisfy our readers, the Factually Deficient team has given this matter much thought and investigation. Our first attempt at seeking out answers was stymied by a lack of eyewitnesses to the incident photographed.

However, we were not to be deterred. Through hard work and effort, we have worked through roleplaying and forensic psychology in order to recreate an analogous scenario, the better to understand what was taking place.

The following image is included as evidence of our findings:

As my readers can plainly see, while the ducks are arranged in a circle, there is no feline of any variety in the centre of their anatine ring.

We must recognize that this reenactment provides circumstantial evidence at best. However, when combined with the research provided by the psychiatric team sent to analyse the motivations of all the major players in the original photo, it stands as conclusive proof of what was really taking place during the incident in question.

It is clear that the cat summoned the ducks, and not the other way around. This is borne out not only by the lack of cat in the latter photograph – the congregation of ducks in this manner clearly does not summon a cat – but also by the sense of what is going on. After all, no creature – cat or panther, human or plant – can resist at all times the desire to share the company of a flock of ducks, whereas the ducks have no logical reason to want the company of a cat, beyond the scientific interest in discovering whether they can cause it to appear.

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Disclaimer: the above post is a work of fiction. All ducks participating in this week’s Factually Deficient study were volunteers, and compensated fairly for their contribution to science. No cats were summoned in the writing of this post.

How to Skin a Cat

Hello and welcome back to another week of far-fetched fabrications and tall tales here at Factually Deficient! This week, I will answer another question posed by one of our frequent commenters, Tohrinha. Tohrinha asked:

How many ways are there to skin a cat?

In the name of full disclosure, it is worth mentioning that many cats today come with skin already on them. These cats are pre-skinned, and except in the case of extremely cold temperatures, it is not recommended to add a layer of skin to them.

However, when someone purchases a skinless cat, it will be necessary to skin the cat yourself. There are three leading ways to skin a cat:

  1. Lab-grown skins
  2. Extreme Photosynthesis
  3. Synthetic skins

The first of these is the most common today. To skin a cat with a lab-grown skin, you would create an entire skin whole cloth in a lab, by combining the elements that compose skin, before applying this skin around your cat. It is recommended to take your cat’s measurements before growing the skin, to ensure that it will fit properly. When applying a lab-grown skin to a cat, it is necessary to keep the cat stable, and only minimally mobile, for 24 to 36 hours, to give the skin time to set and bond to the cat.

The second way is Extreme Photosynthesis. This was the method employed before the lab-grown skins became common. Like with lab-grown skins, the skins involved here are entirely organic, but with Extreme Photosynthesis, you grow the skin on the cat itself. You would prepare a very small sample of skin, by combining the elements that compose skin, and immediately affix these to the cat, in a protected location, such as behind the ear. Then place the cat in direct sunlight, preferably inside a greenhouse. The effect of the sun will cause the skin cells to multiply rapidly, until they have covered the whole cat. It is important to keep a close watch on your cat during this process, and to remove it from the sunlight immediately upon the skin being completed.

The final, and newest, method of skinning a cat involved synthetic skins. Here, rather than making a skin for your cat out of biological material, you would construct a skin-like casing for the cat out of a stretchier, more protective material, such as rubber, stainless steel, or glass. These skins are the easiest to apply to a cat, and protect the cat the best; however, it is still the most expensive method of skinning a cat, which is why it is still less common than lab-grown skins.

There are numerous other methods of skinning cats (some of which, such as homeopathic skinning, are highly suspect), but the remaining methods are highly experimental and not recommended to practice.

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Disclaimer: The above post is decidedly untrue. Do not attempt to skin your cat at home.