One Foot Ashore

Hello and welcome to another week of disinformation here at Factually Deficient, where you can’t believe anything you read – believe me! This week, I will answer a question posed by the unparalleled Scarab, who cited an article about feet appearing in British Columbia, Canada, and asked:

WHY ARE THERE *MORE* FEET WASHING ASHORE?! I THINK YOU SHOULD BE ASKING WHY THEY WASHED UP IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Scarab, whose Caps Lock key is in good working order, has asked a good question which is based on a fundamental misconception. The phrase “washing up” has a number of connotations which are colourful, vivid, and entirely irrelevant to our scenario. Although many people see feet on a shore and assume they have washed up in some morbid tale, there is of course a much simpler – and more pertinent – way they could have arrived there.

The Kingdom of Canada is a vast and beautiful country, but an isolated one, with no neighbours at all in convenient travelling distance. This is unfortunate for the eager would-be tourists who want nothing more than to make a pilgrimage to John A. Macdonald’s land, that of the maple-tinged sunset and the beavers crowing dawn.

Air travel is almost impossible, due to the threat of dragons. Travelling by sea is likewise unfeasible, because the beavers are constantly flooding the regular byways of the boats with their architecturally wondrous dams. But despite these difficulties, Canada’s dedicated diaspora and touristry do not give up on setting foot on this sacred territory. If they could not sail or fly to Canada, they declared, then they would walk there.

In vain did naysayers remind these intrepid travellers that Canada is bounded by three shining seas, unwalkable except on the ocean floor. No, the prospective explorers simply acquired for themselves pairs of seven-league boots, to sidestep the matter of the ocean entirely.

But seven leagues is quite a distance, and, as we know, Canada is approximately two and a half months in the future in relation to the rest of the world. One foot might touch shore immediately, with the aide of the seven-league boots, but unless the wearer jumps, with both legs locked beside each other, there will still be a two and a half-month gap before the rest of the person arrives. It is during these months that disembodied feet appear to be standing on Canada’s shores; when enough time has passed, they will be joined by the rest of the person, who will no doubt remove their magic boots and set out to discover Canada.

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Disclaimer: this post is a work of creative lies. It is not Factually Deficient’s intention to make light in any way of the tragedies and accidents that may have led to the actual phenomenon discussed in the more factual article.

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Canadian Coins

Welcome back to another week of falsehoods, fabrications, and fictions, brought to you today by Factually Deficient and the letter F. Before I begin today, I would like to bring to my readers’ attention Plan B, a blog created by a colleague of mine for the purposes of giving people terrible advice. I can only hope that Plan B will answer any questions that Factually Deficient cannot.

And now, for our feature presentation, I give you a question asked on twitter by an individual going by the name Beetle:

Is it true that if you scratch the little maple leaf on a Canadian dollar it smells of maple syrup?

Canadian currency is a deep and complicated matter, the five-dimensional heart of the economy. This is not the place to speak of the moulds that vanished the night before the original one-dollar coins were to be minted, never to be seen again, causing the backup design to be used which in turn radically shaped the development of language and slang in Canada, because this is a place for lies, not facts.

I can, however, tell you that if that original design– an image of a canoe– had been used, the coins would have been so constructed that if you put one to your ear, you would have heard the sounds of the water as realistically as if you were standing in the mouth of James Bay.

I can tell you that the loon, the design they used instead, has been known in late autumn to make mournful honks as its flesh-and-blood brethren fly south for the winter.

I can tell you that the two-dollar coin, known as the toonie, is not, contrary to popular belief, so called because it is worth two loonies, but rather because the polar bears adorning it move and play with one another if you stare at it long enough, forming a primitive, numismatic cartoon.

You must handle Canadian dimes (depicting theĀ Bluenose, a majestic ship) with care, because if you rub one in exactly the right pattern, then the room you are standing in will slowly fill up with water.

Nickels, worth five cents and depicting a beaver, will flash red in the presence of other beavers, and blue in the presence of an unowned dam (though they may be difficult to remove from the vicinity of the dam, exhibiting a magnetic-like tug).

There is, in fact, no maple leaf on the Canadian dollar but there are a pair on the penny, which has recently been withdrawn from circulation due to an alarming phenomenon wherein for every thousand pennies minted, a Canadian maple tree seemed to dry up overnight, no longer giving syrup– because all the syrup was now contained inside the coin.

I can only hope, my readers, that if you find in your possession any of these astounding coins, you will use them with responsibility and care.

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Disclaimer: Not all of the facts in this post are true. Reader discretion is advised. The writer has never experienced drowning due to dimes first hand, and can neither confirm nor deny any alleged reasons for the discontinuation of the penny in Canada.