Lies About People: John Cena

Hello and welcome to another week of unlikely claims and tall tales here at Factually Deficient! Factually Deficient is here to provide, in lie form, answers to all your questions on any topic – history, geography, botany, science, literature, and even, now, people! This week, I will answer a question posed by an excellent Beetle of my acquaintance. She asked:

Who is John Cena!

John Cena is actually a modernized and anglicized spelling of the original name Janus Ceno. Janus Ceno was an ancient Roman stonecutter whose impact on modern society continues to be felt today.

In the early days of ancient Roman proto-democracy, paper was far too expensive and difficult to produce to have it readily available to the population. Complaints of corruption were bombarding the Senate, but it seemed impossible, in the absence of cheap and convenient paper, to establish any semblance of a secret ballot system.

Until Janus Ceno came along. Ceno, with his skill at fine chiselling, came up with a novel proposal: he and a team of like-minded stonecutters could produce ballots carved into small rocks, to distribute amongst the populace. This idea was so well-received that, in its first implementation, Janus Ceno himself was elected to public office by a landslide. In turn, he took his post to heart, and used his masonly skills to improve the Roman way of life in every way that he could think of.

When at last Janus Ceno felt the time had come for him to retire from the ancient Roman civil service, he made, at the behest of his constituents, one last physical contribution to the public good: a stone pillar in his own honour, carved with a list of the ways he had benefited his people. Built by him and in his name, this was dubbed the Cenotaph, a word which has now entered the lexicon in a general way.

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Disclaimer: this blog post is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any real persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

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