Curing Cancer

Hello and welcome back to another week here at Factually Deficient, where we provide only the very best in artisanal, hand-crafted lies for your enjoyment! This week, I will answer a question posed by the renowned narrativedilettante:

With so many people spending money and time on research into cancer, why haven’t we cured it yet?

It is important to remember that this world is populated by people of every birth sign. Some are born under Cancer, some under Capricorn; some are born under Scorpio, Leo, Goatfish, Stradivarius, Ophiuchus, or others. The star sign of a person’s birth does not make that person any more or less important than others (with the exception of the universally shifty people born under Goatfish).

But that does not make any given sign unavoidable. Rightly or wrongly, people should be able to avoid any given birth sign through careful time and planning, yes?

No.

The common misconception here is that the star signs are fixed, or even predictable at all. It is likely that no amount of time, money, energy, and research could enable a person to predict what month will fall under Stradivarius next year, or whether Libra will fall before or after Ophiuchus.

With most of the star signs, this is a dicey enough problem; but with Cancer, it becomes blown entirely out of proportion due to the geographic anomaly known as the Tropic of Cancer. Whenever people pass through this region, their original birth sign is changed retroactively to be Cancer (this is a much more serious problem than that in the Tropic of Capricorn, where only Capricorns lose their initial birth sign, in favour of an arbitrary new one). While many unlucky Goatfish seek this Tropic out, many other people are increasingly frustrated when they unwittingly cross its boundaries and find their previously determined personality and destiny abruptly shifting.

But a phenomenon so tied up in an abstruse cross-section of geology and astronomy is not so easily solved through money, time, and research. We must simply learn to live with our strange and shifting zodiac.

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Disclaimer: here on Factually Deficient, we try to ensure that lies are not provided at the expense of sensitivity. This was one of Factually Deficient’s oldest questions – almost three years old – and it has taken so long to be answered because the Factually Deficient team has thought long and hard about how to address it in lies while being neither glib nor offensive. If we failed at that task, we apologize deeply. No Capricorns were harmed in the writing of this post.

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