Who Are You?

Hello and welcome back to Factually Deficient, reporting live (and lies) to you here from the Plant Kingdom! This week, I will answer a question posed by agoraoptera on Twitter. agora asked:

Which of us are each other?

As most people know, nobody is who they seem. There are a limited number of people to be, and our true selves can at times be difficult to uncover. Fortunately, we here at Factually Deficient know the secret, and we have your back. You can follow these steps in order to determine who you truly are.

First, find the person directly to your left. Vaguely to your left but a few steps forward or back is not good enough. You may need to keep walking to your left, knock down walls, go up or down stairs, etc., until you find someone who lines up exactly to your left. Find this person.

Next, find that person’s maternal uncle. If they don’t have one, go to their nearest blood relative on their mother’s side, closest in age to their parents’ generation.

Next, take the number of letters in that person’s name, and divide by the number of letters in their first pet’s name. Round to the nearest 12.

Keep in mind the number you arrived at from the previous step. Taking evenly measured steps nor’-nor’-east, count off the people you meet until you encounter that many people. Ask the person who matches the final count for their name.

Return home. Make tea with the second teabag to touch your hand. Offer it to strangers. The first person who both accepts the tea and has the same name as the name you took in the previous step is the person you have been searching for. That person is who you are.

As for who is you, you will have to follow these steps in reverse, or wait for someone following them to find you.


Disclaimer: the above blog post contains erroneous information. Some of us may be who we say we are.


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