Pet Rocks

Hello and welcome to another week of reliable unreliability here at Factually Deficient! Factually Deficient accepts any and all questions, at any time of the day, night, or afternoon. This week, I will answer a question posed by the inimitable Tohrinha. Tohrinha asked:

How does one properly pet a rock?

It is important to keep in mind that there are many different types of rocks, and each rock is an individual with individual preferences. Of the utmost importance is to take that rock’s preferences into account when petting it. Consent is key: under no circumstances should you ever pet an unwilling rock.

That said, the willingness of the rock is not the only concern to take into consideration. I will attempt to outline the general guidelines for rock petting based on the factors of size and age.

 1. Size

There is a huge (if you’ll pardon the phrase) difference between petting a large rock and petting a small rock, a difference which could be categorized by what part of your body you use to pet it.

When dealing with a very small rock, the ideal way to pet it is to place the rock in the centre of your palm, close your hand around it, and stroke it gently with your thumb and all of your fingers.

When dealing with a much larger rock, however, this method is obviously not viable. In order to pet a rock the size of a mountain, for example, you cannot pick it up in the palm of your hand. Instead, you must first climb to the summit; then, once at the top, lie down carefully on your stomach, with your arms spreadeagled. Slide carefully back down the cliff, petting the rock with both arms as you go.

2. Age

The age of the rock is a crucial consideration when petting. Differently-aged rocks have different needs, which are manifested very clearly in a rock-petting situation.

Very old rocks are fragile, brittle, prone to crumbling. Petting an aged rock requires a soft, delicate touch; you should no more than flutter the pads of your flesh across its surface, to avoid causing irreparable damage.

Young rocks, on the other hand, are more lively. A childish rock is liable to bounce around until restrained; petting it is an excellent way of reining in its excess energies, and no amount of pressure is too much. Pet an immature rock forcefully, exerting an equal amount of pressure from the beginning to the end of your stroke, in order to help the rock to calm down.

I only hope that this information will serve you, Tohrinha, and you, all my loyal readers, well, in your long future of rock-petting.


Disclaimer: the above information includes inaccuracies. Always consult the individual rock before petting.


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