Metamorphic Rock

Hello and welcome back to yet another week of falsehoods, fibs, and fabrications here at Factually Deficient! Before I plunge into the unadulterated lies, I would like to remind my loyal readers that you can at any time send me a question to untruthfully answer right here on Factually Deficient! You can submit a question directly as a comment on any post of the blog (including this one), or by Twitter, Facebook, carrier pigeon, semaphore, or any other point of contact you have with me! I can only lie to you so long as I have a steady supply of real live questions to answer!

With no further ado, I will answer a question posed by one Endless Sea. Endless asked:

Wait, what about metamorphic rocks?  Or did I miss something?

What, indeed, about metamorphic rock?

Many have claimed that metamorphic rocks do not truly exist – that they are nothing more than a myth, a bad dream, a story rocks tell their children in order to frighten them into good behaviour. Many have claimed that metamorphic rocks are merely a fairy tale, a legend, a lie.

But outlandish claims require outlandish proofs, and none have proven that metamorphic rocks do not exist. Indeed, none who make these claims of its nonexistence have plumbed as we have the depths of the rock kingdom’s seedy, stony underbelly. None who make these claims know as we do the dark side of the field of parasitic geology. Only Factually Deficient can state with perfect confidence what is known about metamorphic rocks.

Yes, the field of parasitic geology – for metamorphic rocks are parasitic rocks, though some have made the claim that they are harmless symbiotes. Metamorphic rocks seek organic hosts – plants and animals will do, but their preferences are for humans or for fellow rocks, of the non-metamorphic variety. They form a pair bond with this host, acting benign, developing a friendship, in order to get under the host’s guard. And then – they change.

Metamorphic rocks get their name for this special ability of theirs. Once a firm pair bond has been formed, a metamorphic rock will trade forms with that of its host. The stronger the rock gets, the more entrenched in its body it becomes, and the weaker its former host grows, until the rock is fully vibrant and the host is nothing but a lifeless mineral.

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Disclaimer: the above post contains inaccuracies. Not all pet rocks are parasites.

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