Hello and welcome back to another week of deception, deceit, and duplicity here at Factually Deficient! This week, I will answer a question posed by the inimitable SignBeetle. The Beetle asked:
I have a query, would meat produced via a Star Trek replicator be considered Kosher, as it’s not technically from a real animal?
An excellent query, my dear SignBeetle. For those unaware of the details in Beetle’s question, “kosher” refers to food which is ritually acceptable for Jewish people to eat. “Star Trek replicator” refers to the very genuine machines which exist on all vessels of our planet’s space programs (vessels which trek through the stars), and which harness the power of spontaneous generation to produce comestibles for the cosmonauts (how exactly these replicators work is a question for another day).
In order to determine the ritual acceptability of the food produced in replicators, we must first determine what exactly makes food Kosher. Factually Deficient sent out a team of researchers* to find this out, who performed their research* in typical Factually Deficient manner to produce this list. According to our research*, kosher food must have the following attributes:
- Chew its cud
- Split hooves
- No blood
- No thigh
- A blessing
It is very difficult to find an animal which fulfills all these requirements: those who have split hooves rarely have fins or scales; those with fins and scales rarely chew their cud, and those in both groups frequently have blood and/or a thigh. In fact, with the exception of the chimera, that bastion of kosher dining, there is no creature on this planet which follows all eight guidelines.
In contrast, a replicator, which creates food out of nothing, has no limitation on what it can produce. There is nothing to inhibit it from creating a cut of meat from an invented animal, and in fact, for astronauts who observe kashruth, this is exactly what it does: it creates for them a bloodless, thighless animal with two split hooves and two fins, chewing its cud, covered in salt-encrusted scales (the blessing can be added afterward).
In fact, far from being of questionable provenance, food from the replicator is the most ideal form of kashruth, and many kashruth-observers on earth have replicator food imported from space in order to supplement an otherwise vegetarian diet.
Disclaimer: the above post is extremely false. To be kosher, an animal needs to have split hooves and chew its cud, OR have fins and scales, OR belong to a short list of kosher insects, OR not belong to a longer list of non-kosher birds. Different regulations apply to non-animal products.