The Ancient Egyptians

Hello and welcome back to yet another week of slander, libel, and straight-up prevarication here at Factually Deficient! This week, I will answer a question forwarded to Factually Deficient by my mother, on behalf of some of her elementary-school students:

Who were the ancient Egyptians?

This is a question best approached through the process of elimination. That is to say, before we can definitively answer who were the ancient Egyptians, we must first answer who weren’t the ancient Egyptians.

Our team of historical anthropologists investigated the matter thoroughly, and came back with a comprehensive statement on who the ancient Egyptians weren’t:

The ancient Egyptians were not our friends.

This key piece of data has revealed huge insights into the nature of who the ancient Egyptians were not. If the ancient Egyptians were not our friends, it follows logically that they were not eli. They were not Kays, or Dawn; neither were they Shani, Jack, Mindy, or Tohrinha. Certainly they were not Melissa or Annie.*

Our next step – moving from “who weren’t the ancient Egyptians” to “who were the ancient Egyptians” – now becomes obvious. We need first subtract all the names of friends listed above from the alphabet, and take what remains:


Obviously, this collection of letters – containing only one vowel and far too many consonants – cannot be made to spell out a name. How, then, does it lead us to the ancient Egyptians?

If one looks closer, one will see that there are a total of exactly nine letters on this list – the perfect number for three sets of three initials. Three initials, three times = exactly three ancient Egyptians’ identities revealed.

A Factually Deficient cryptography team put its best minds to work, and decided which names can be signified with these initials. Based on that expert cryptanalysis, what follows are the names of the ancient Egyptians, answering once and for all the question of who they really were:

Breton Gable-Park

Fisher Ukulele Vehicle

Qara-Xuan Zenith


Disclaimer: The above post contains inaccuracies. There were other ancient Egyptians.


* Results drawn from individuals referred to as “friend” on Factually Deficient. Not a comprehensive list.


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