Hello and welcome back to another week of deception and manipulation here at Factually Deficient! This week, I will answer a question posed by our star commenter, Tohrinha. Tohrinha asked:
What is the most common character in the English language?
The answer to this question will be enlightening and of interest to both native speakers and newcomers to the English language, shedding light on the very nature of this tongue. And fortunately, Tohrinha has come to the right place.
The Factually Deficient team has spent over two decades conducting intense research on the nature and properties of the English language, leading me to be able to say with absolute certainty that – while results may vary in different languages – the most common character in the English language is Fred.
Fred has a slight moustache – nothing substantial, hardly more than a shadow over his lip, but enough that he has not kissed his wife in years because she does not like the scratching sensation.
In truth, he never even had a wife.
Fred’s hair is mousy. There are actual mice living in it. They have a den behind his ear.
A bicycle repairmen by trade, Fred has found business to be disconcertingly sparse of late. He hasn’t told his boyfriend that he’s been supplementing his income with a life of small crime, breaking into other people’s stories to steal what won’t be missed. There is a lot of pressure on him, as a transdimensional petty thief, but the hair-mice must be fed. Their young ones are hungry.
Fred has a lot of blood, but if it could be traced, though you went back a thousand generations, you would find pedigree no higher than the fourth-cousin twice removed of an uncle-by-marriage’s great-great-aunt’s grandmother, who was mayor of a village for two days before being impeached on suspicion of embezzlement. Fred still has that cousin’s mayoral badge of office, the pride and joy of the family, preserved in a tank of dry ice.
He is the most common character in the English language.
Disclaimer: the above blog post is a work of fiction. No freds were harmed in the writing of these lies.