The Brilliant Bologna

Hello and welcome back to another week of vibrant lies and invigorating falsehoods here at Factually Deficient! This week, I will answer a question which I have been mulling over for some time, posed to me by my talented friend Kays. Kays asked:

What the heck is going on with Bologna? I mean, seriously: It’s a meat, but its not any real meat that anyone knows about. We know what Hamburger, Steak, Ham, Turkey, Bacon, Turkey Bacon, Beef tenderloin, Pork Tenderloin, Eggs, Chicken, Chicken Breast, Chicken Thighs, Chicken Legs, Chicken Leg bones, Legumes, and Buffalo Wings are. BUT WHAT THE HECK IS A BOLOGNA?

This is an insightful, and extremely thorough question, and one which it is my honour to be able to answer.

As Kays observes, most other meats with which people are familiar are derived from animals that are well-known to all of us. What price, then, the noble bologna?

They do not come from any animal we know. They do not come from the Plant Kingdom, or the Mold Kingdom. And they certainly do not come from the Rock Kingdom. Bologna actually are a product of material originally alien to this planet.

They first came to earth in 1652, on a small asteroid that crashed into the Mediterranean Sea. When examining this asteroid for signs of rock, the geologists of the day discovered a moving substance, which ceased moving when exposed to direct moonlight. This was the substance now known as bologna.

Its nutritional value was revealed when the geologists, lost at sea on their asteroid expedition, ran out of food and began imbibing the alien substance in desperation. To their surprise and relief, it sustained them until a rescue party came.

Today, rather than mining asteroids which are few and far between, scientists are able to recreate the alien makeup of the bologna in a lab, due to thorough analysis of its components. But it will always be an alien life-form first, and a synthetic food second.


Disclaimer: the above blog post is erroneous on several points. There is no record of an asteroid crashing in the Mediterranean Sea in 1652.


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