On Yoga

Hello and welcome back to some slightly-belated but ever reliable lies here at Factually Deficient! This week, I would like to answer a question posed by Shani, a friend who shared a living space with me for one year and subsequently travelled as far away from me in the opposite direction as she could – possibly as a direct result. Shani asked:

How does yoga induce relaxing?

It is important to understand what yoga actually is – once that much is clear, it will become obvious to the reader how Shani’s question must be answered.

Yoga, despite common cultural conceptions, is not a series of stretches or exercises. Yoga is not the action or set of actions one takes when “engaged” in yoga. Yoga is a mind-altering substance – in essence, a drug.

The set of actions commonly termed as yoga (a very wide and varied set of actions, lumped here under one umbrella due to the common result they achieve) have the side effect of creating a chemical reaction in the air which produces the rare particle yogi. These yogi are the mind-altering drug in question. As people engage in the actions which produce them, the yogi accumulate in the air, acquiring critical mass.

One or two of such particles in the air would not signify; however, when enough of them are breathed in, they have an effect on the human body: relieving stressed or taut muscles, slowing brain function to a crawl, and releasing rare hormones from the pineal gland (also known as the Third Eye). These effects – the physical stress relief, the reduced brain function, and the supernaturally calm emotions caused by the pineal hormones – are the source for the yoga-induced relaxation Shani asked about.

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This blog post is a work of fiction. Yoga is not known to stimulate the Third Eye. Consult your doctor for recommended dosage.

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