How to Skin a Cat

Hello and welcome back to another week of far-fetched fabrications and tall tales here at Factually Deficient! This week, I will answer another question posed by one of our frequent commenters, Tohrinha. Tohrinha asked:

How many ways are there to skin a cat?

In the name of full disclosure, it is worth mentioning that many cats today come with skin already on them. These cats are pre-skinned, and except in the case of extremely cold temperatures, it is not recommended to add a layer of skin to them.

However, when someone purchases a skinless cat, it will be necessary to skin the cat yourself. There are three leading ways to skin a cat:

  1. Lab-grown skins
  2. Extreme Photosynthesis
  3. Synthetic skins

The first of these is the most common today. To skin a cat with a lab-grown skin, you would create an entire skin whole cloth in a lab, by combining the elements that compose skin, before applying this skin around your cat. It is recommended to take your cat’s measurements before growing the skin, to ensure that it will fit properly. When applying a lab-grown skin to a cat, it is necessary to keep the cat stable, and only minimally mobile, for 24 to 36 hours, to give the skin time to set and bond to the cat.

The second way is Extreme Photosynthesis. This was the method employed before the lab-grown skins became common. Like with lab-grown skins, the skins involved here are entirely organic, but with Extreme Photosynthesis, you grow the skin on the cat itself. You would prepare a very small sample of skin, by combining the elements that compose skin, and immediately affix these to the cat, in a protected location, such as behind the ear. Then place the cat in direct sunlight, preferably inside a greenhouse. The effect of the sun will cause the skin cells to multiply rapidly, until they have covered the whole cat. It is important to keep a close watch on your cat during this process, and to remove it from the sunlight immediately upon the skin being completed.

The final, and newest, method of skinning a cat involved synthetic skins. Here, rather than making a skin for your cat out of biological material, you would construct a skin-like casing for the cat out of a stretchier, more protective material, such as rubber, stainless steel, or glass. These skins are the easiest to apply to a cat, and protect the cat the best; however, it is still the most expensive method of skinning a cat, which is why it is still less common than lab-grown skins.

There are numerous other methods of skinning cats (some of which, such as homeopathic skinning, are highly suspect), but the remaining methods are highly experimental and not recommended to practice.

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Disclaimer: The above post is decidedly untrue. Do not attempt to skin your cat at home.

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