Got Any Nails?

Hello, and welcome to another week of delightful duplicity here at Factually Deficient! This week, I will answer a question posed to the general public by my friend Kays. Kays asked:

All my nails on my left hand are wider than the nails on my right hand. Please explain.

With the exception of those who have two evenly-matched cans, many people have two similar, but slightly different, hands: a right hand and a left hand. These two hands, like all body parts split along the right/left divide, have certain traits that are unique to each side.

As Kays’ question regards an apparent anomaly on the left hand, that is the side we will discuss in more detail. The word for the left, deriving from Latin, is ‘sinister’. This is no accident. The left side was so named because people’s left hands, left feet, left eyes, and left kidneys occasionally grow possessed by evil. At such times, the human to whom that hand/foot/eye/kidney belongs is no longer in control of that body part.

Fortunately, evil is weak, and is never able to control these body parts for more than a few moments. Generally, all it can compel someone’s left side to do is to kick someone in the shins without cause, or to glare portentiously with the left eye. This is, in fact, where the expression “the evil eye” comes from – an eye quite literally possessed, for a few brief moments, by evil, glaring at the innocents around it.

In the case of hands, an evil-possessed left hand will occasionally attempt to grow claws, the better to attack someone during its next ephemeral moments of dominance. Evil is not very good at growing claws. Usually, all it has time to do is to broaden the base of the fingernail and lengthen it somewhat, in the hopes that the next time it takes control of that hand, it will be able to build on that foundation – unfortunately for evil, usually, by that time, the owner of the hand has clipped the nail, and the evil-possessed hand has to start almost entirely from scratch (no pun intended).

However, while length of fingernails can easily be attended to, it is much more difficult to reduce width. Thus, the broadening of Kays’ left fingernails suggests a hand that evil has attempted once or twice to gain control of.

_________________

Disclaimer: This blog post is composed of spurious lies. There is no recorded case of a left kidney being possessed by evil.

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