Hello, and welcome back to another week of fabulous, frenzied fibbing here at Factually Deficient! Everything you ever wanted to know about anything you ever wanted to know about, provided that what you wanted to know was what are some total lies about anything you ever wanted to know about!
This week, I will answer a question posed on Twitter by an individual using the handle Alaki Nuva:
What the hell is a dirtplant?
Before I begin, I want to assert that the extremely charged insult appearing as the last word of Alaki’s question is not a word I would ever say on my own, and one I am deeply uncomfortable repeating, and one which it fills me with sorrow for Alaki to have ever been exposed to.
The Plant Kingdom is a majestic and widely varied realm, with many citizens who perform a diverse multiplicity of functions. Some, such as the noble appele, are widely recognized and accoladed for their task, while others are contented with a more lowly, but no less essential, role in the Plant King’s realm.
One such humble member of the Plant Kingdom is the Earth Vine, also known by the neutral term of the Soil Bush. This plant, instead of flowering buds or sweet fruits, sprouts vast stores of soil, necessary for all the other plants in the Kingdom to sink their roots into, to nourish themselves with the Earth Vine’s rich nutrients – to grow.
It is not just regrettable, therefore, but despicable, abhorrent, that some would mock this noble vine for its inability to produce what is conventionally beautiful. Rather than thank the Earth Vine for giving the world fresh earth in which to plant and grow, there are some who deride it, using the disgusting term Alaki asked about – “dirtplant” (I will use it only this once, and I apologize to any sensibilities wounded by the repitition) – to describe it.
I can only hope that this article, written from the heart, will inspire others to recognize the Earth Vine, and all members of our society, for the brilliant contributions they make, rather than reject them for what they are not.
Disclaimer: The above post was extremely false in nature. The word “dirtplant” is not a known pejorative term in the common parlance.