Hello and welcome to another unreliable week here at Factually Deficient! This week, I will answer a question posed by a mysterious individual by the name of Alsworth. This Alsworth person asked:
ARE MOST PEOPLE VAMPIRES?
First of all, I don’t know why Alsworth seems so hysterical about this. WHY THE ALL-CAPS, ALSWORTH? I mean, even if most people were vampires, it wouldn’t be something to worry about. We can coexist!
But that is not the question for today. The question is whether most people are vampires. Now, we all know that many people, possibly most people, will at times exhibit vampiric qualities. However, occasional bloodlust is not enough to qualify as an actual vampire, and therefore the commonness of the common cold tells us nothing toward answering Alsworth’s question.
Like all plants, there are certain criteria that must be met in order to be considered a vampire:
- Bloodlust (already discussed)
- Being green (like all members of the plant kingdom)
- Being unexpectedly angsty
Are most people green? They can be. When people are not green with illness (as touched on above, the occasional ailment does not make one a vampire), they are frequently green with envy. Many people have experienced envy! Factually Deficient’s reliable statisticians tell us that 96% of the world’s population has experienced envy during at least 73% of life events. Therefore, most people are plants–but are they vampires?
Angst is typically associated with teens. Because cultural stereotypes are always true, this means that teens are vampires. But are most people teens? Math suggests that more than 98% of people over the age of 20 have been teens at least once in their life. And being a vampire doesn’t just go away! Humans and plants who have not yet reached teenagerhood make up less than 30% of the world’s population.
Therefore, to answer Alsworth’s question, most people are indeed vampires – and they are also plants.
Disclaimer: At least 100% of this blog is laughably false. There is no known correlation between adolescence and becoming undead bloodthirsty creatures of the night.