Uncommon Cold

Hello and welcome back to another week of falsehoods, fictions, and fabrications here at Factually Deficient! This week, I will answer a question posed by my good friend Jack. Jack asked:

What is the cure for the common cold?

This is an excellent and important question. Many people are ailed with the common cold–one of the many reasons why it is called “common”. However, it is probably worth while to review for unfamiliar readers what exactly the common cold entails.

One of the most well-known symptoms of the common cold is an uncommon coldness, manifested in a cold, unfeeling attitude, and a tendency to turn items to ice by touching them. Those afflicted, due to the “cold of heart” aspect of the disease, frequently do not notice or care that anything is wrong, though transforming commonplace items to ice is naturally an inconvenient predicament. Other symptoms of the common cold include lengthening and sharpening of the incisors, rapid growth of body hair, and bloodlust.

While the illness is commonly known, the cure is less so, though it should seem obvious. After all, the opposite, and naturally countering measure, to cold is heat. However, while this relationship is obvious, scientists have puzzled for decades over the proper method of delivering this heat so as to negate the ailment of cold.

Jack, fortunately, has come to the right place, as the research team of Factually Deficient has recently perfected the appropriate cure for the common cold.

In order to counter not just the symptoms but the essence of the disease, the heat has to be administered evenly throughout the afflicted person at one time. In most cases, this is difficult to achieve: warm foods travel down the digestive tract, and subsequently heat the body from the inside out, while warm sweaters will heat the body from the outside in. Neither of these will work.

Convection ovens have evenly distributed heating, but tend to burn too hot to be effective against the common cold, while microwave ovens have appropriately reduced heat, but too often heat with only spotty evenness. These, too, are obviously out.

The answer is a clothes dryer. Individuals afflicted by the common cold should enter the clothes dryer and have a trained medical professional set the machine to a high-heat, high-tumble setting, and in all statistically significant cases will exit the clothes dryer free of all inconvenient freezing or bloodlusts.

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Disclaimer: The above post is not entirely true. The writer does not recommend entering a clothes dryer with or without the aid of a trained medical professional.

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