Cracking Codes

Hello and welcome back to another week of undeterred untruthfulness here at Factually Deficient! This week, I am pleased to address a question posed by my friend Tohrinha. Tohrinha asked:

What’s the simplest way to crack a code?

“Simplest” is, of course, a deceptive description; there are a number of ways to crack a code, each with their plusses and minuses.

The very simplest way to crack a code, in terms of time and effort expended, involves crudely breaking it open–smashing the code against a hard object or dropping it from a great height. This will inevitably crack the code such that it is no longer encoded; however, rarely does it render the message in any usable or readable form. It simply makes the encoded message useless to everybody alike. For this reason, the “smash” method is not usually considered the best for code-cracking, or even considered an option at all, due to its limited functionality.

A better way to crack a code, which virtually always leaves the message in a perfectly untampered-with form, though it does require more time and patience than the above, involves splitting the code down the middle. This should be done carefully: tap the code against a hard edge repeatedly, while rotating it in a circle, until a seam appears around the equator of the code. If you tug at its widest point, the code should open as though hinged, containing your desired message inside.

Because this method involves so much care and patience, it may not be considered the simplest way to crack the code, which is what Tohrinha asked for. Some have therefore adapted this method into one which combines the hastiness of the first method with the greater functionality of the second. By this third method, one begins as above, tapping the code against something while turning it, but instead of turning it the full way around, you can just keep tapping until the crack in the code is significantly wide at one point. You then insert your fingers in at that point and forcefully pull the code apart. The message will usually still be fully intact, although this is less guaranteed than in the previous method.

The fourth, and final, way to simply crack a code is to replace every fourth character with the name of your favourite plant. This will always render a sensible message, which 97% of the time is the actual message that had been encoded.

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Disclaimer: This blog post is part of an insidious web of lies. The writer cannot guarantee success at cracking codes using any of the methods listed above.

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