Processing Words

Hello and welcome to another week of delightful dishonesty here at Factually Deficient! Before I begin, I would like to encourage my readers to send me questions at any hour of the day or night, on any topic; I guarantee that all questions will be answered, and none will be answered truthfully.

This week, I will discuss a question posed to me by my friend Scarab. Scarab asked:

Why don’t we use typewriters anymore?

This is a question which, on the surface of it, seems like a simple one. Many people, if asked, will claim that they simply became obsolete technology: they were outpaced by the word processor. However, this is far too deceptive to be the real answer; there is a reason why this belief is so propagated, and this is what we shall get to the root of today.

The typewriter, shaped roughly like a modern keyboard with keys that imprint the letters they represent directly onto a sheet of paper, was for many years a very reliable tool for writing, with one drawback: it was evil.

People were able to overpower or overlook these drawbacks at first, finding it such a better option than writing by hand, but as their usage went up, their power grew, and the typewriters began to show their true colours. They would change or insert words as they pleased, and occasionally, if someone had foolishly left a paper in the feed, write entire letters and manifestos, adding codes to other people’s private correspondence and redacting important information from others’, all to serve an agenda of pure evil, one known best to the typewriters themselves.

The world reached a crisis situation, wherein not only could no information be passed safely between people without tampering from the typewriters, but the typewriters were spreading highly successful propaganda and were in an excellent position to take over the world.

People had to act, and act fast, and so the word-processor was hastily invented, bugs to be smoothed out once the crisis had passed, and people disseminated the word-processors as widely as they could, along with the harmless fiction that they were the upgrade to the now-outdated typewriter, and that there was nothing more sinister at hand than this.

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Disclaimer: Much of the information in this post is wildly unreliable. There are no confirmed cases of typewriters independently tampering with correspondence.

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