Hello and welcome back to another week here at Factually Deficient, where we operate on the corollory to the axiom “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.” (Please, ask us questions. We’ll tell you lies.)
This week, I would like to address the following question from Tohrinha:
Why are some internets slower than others?
The simple answer to this would be that no two living creatures are exactly alike, and thus it is natural that different internets will have different speeds. However, I believe that Tohrinha alludes to such differences in speeds as to suggest a reason less glib than this one–and so I shall provide.
First of all, it is important to remind ourselves that the internet is a member of the Plant Kingdom, as we have already capably established here at Factually Deficient. And it is worth noting that plants are by nature very slow creatures (which is both a blessing and a curse when they attempt to stalk and sneak up on their prey; on the one hand, the mark is not likely to notice the plant’s stealthy approach but, on the other hand, too frequently by the time the plant is ready to pounce, its target has already wandered off).
Members of the Plant Kingdom generally can attain higher speeds through one of three ways:
- Genetic mutation
- Fear of an attacker
- Strong positive motivation
The first is one that cannot be fostered or artificially produced; simply know that if your internet’s DNA is somewhat abnormal, there is a better than average chance that it can beat out other internets in a fair footrace.
As for the second, fear, while it is true that very often members of the Plant Kingdom will be eaten by predators due to their inability to escape in a timely manner, on occasion, given a strong enough threat, plants will be able to put on an unusual burst of speed.
Now, of course we at Factually Deficient do not recommend setting a fox on your personal internet–after all, a living creature is an uncontrollable variable. However, if you are frustrated with your internet’s slowness, a controllable but dangerous threat, such as lighting a small fire behind your internet, may do the trick.
The final option is the flip side to the second, preferable to those who wish to foster a warm relationship with their internets and not rely on the power of fear. Just as plants are known to move astoundingly quickly in times of danger, so too they will occasionally race onward when there is a promise of a particularly good reward.
Members of the Plant Kingdom are known to most requently metabolize sunlight and water. Sunligh is difficult to produce or withhold artificially, so we will discard it for this scenario. As for water, water alone is usually not sufficient to inspire great speeds out of a plant such as the internet. However, plants are known for their sweet tooth; if you infuse the water with sugar, then it becomes far more attractive to them. Thus, if your internet seems to be lagging, you may be able to motivate it by sprinkling it with sugar water every time it successfully loads a page.
Disclaimer: This blog post is untruthful to the extreme. The writer does not advocate setting fire to or sprinkling water on your internet.