Hello and welcome back to Factually Deficient, where honesty is never the best policy!
This week, I’d like to answer a somewhat unorthodox question from my friend Jack:
How do I get to Hard Rock Cafe?
Now, on the surface, this seems like a mere request for directions, something which is outside the purview of Factually Deficient. However, one interested in rebel geology, as Mr. Alsworth has already shown himself to be, will recognize this as a reference to one of the long-guarded legends of the Rock Kingdom.
Rocks, as everyone knows, are not very hard. Some are even intangible, such as in the case of light. However, among themselves, comforting themselves after lost battles and bitter subjugations, the rocks whisper of a land where rocks are properly equipped to defend themselves as one another, where none would dare to challenge them, where they could finally live, as they have always dreamed, in peace. Being very straightforward creatures, the rocks dubbed this legendary land the “Hard Rock Cafe” and, for many years, it was believed to be nothing more than a myth.
However, those of us who have made a concentrated if unorthodox study of the Rock Kingdom, those of us who search every fairy tale, every bedtime story, for the grain of truth that it holds, those of us who have abandoned everything we once took for granted in the greater pursuit of knowledge– we have long suspected that the myths of the Hard Rock Cafe were founded, if you will excuse the pun, on hard fact.
Mr. Alsworth, forgive me for suspecting your motives, but I must warn you, as you have asked how to reach this fabled place, that the lucky rocks dwelling in the Hard Rock Cafe do not take kindly to intruders attempting to wreak havoc in their haven. If your intentions are merely those of a curious naturalist, I wish you well, and bid you read on. But if you have darker exploits on your mind, I beg you to turn away.
Very well. The Hard Rock Cafe can only be reached during the dark of the moon, and only in daylight hours, and only by no light than that of a candle. You must have a rock to guide you, and you must sing softly– the song matters not, so long as you never stop singing– from the moment that the candle is lit until the moment that you arrive. Keep one hand tightly on your candle, and one hand on your rock guide, and, if your intentions be pure, you will arrive safely at the Hard Rock Cafe. I am told leaving the place is much simpler than arriving.
Disclaimer: This post consists of a pack of lies. The writer bears neither connection nor ill will to any other organization which may call itself a Hard Rock Cafe.