Father of Canada

Hello and welcome back to Factually Deficient, where you can rely on nothing being reliable. This Friday, I had the pleasure of teaching my first Canadian History class; sadly, all the facts that I disseminated at the time were true, making my pleasure only greater today in disseminating all false statements on the history of my country.

To that note, I shall answer this question from the notorious Mr. Jack Alsworth:

Who was John A. Macdonald?

In short, John A. Macdonald was the father of Canada, the founder of the country, the man who built it– literally– from the ground up.

John A. Macdonald, an exiled baron of the Plant Kingdom, fled to North America when the old Plant King fell, hoping to escape the carnage and the schisms that were tearing that once-noble kingdom apart. In those early days, Jim United had not yet claimed his states for his very own, but he was already living there, and Macdonald, sensing that here was another man who had undergone a great deal in life already, did not want to disturb United with possibly-unwanted company.

So John A. Macdonald travelled north, as far as he could, finding himself stymied when he reached the 49th parallel and was faced with the vast, forbidding expanse of the Arctic Ocean. He felt that something was missing. He wanted a land in which he could make his home, where he would be safe from prying botanists, and allowed to ply his true passion– geology– in peace.

And so, in the absence of any existing land that fit this idyllic description, John A. Macdonald dove. He plunged himself into the depths of the Arctic Ocean– grateful that, due to his dabbling in marine biology under the tutelage of the Prince of Whales, he had a perfectly serviceable set of gills and fins to help him breathe and navigate underwater– and continued to plummet until he reached the bottom.

There, standing on the mysterious floor of the Arctic Ocean, John A. Macdonald did what he did best: geology. He built a country there, constructing it bit by bit, province by province, stretching from sea to sea to sea and encompassing a wide variety of ecosystems, climates, and timezones. He equipped it with a shield to protect its heartland, and a strong arm with which to strike at its foes. Finally, when John deemed his masterpiece ready to show to the world, he raised it up, through the ocean, to settle on the earth as a bright young country, ready to be settled by those John A. Macdonald picked as the bravest and truest of heart.

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Disclaimer: Many of the statements here are untrue. Please consult a qualified Canadian History teacher for confirmation of individual facts.

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