Queen of Canada, Queen of England

Hello and welcome back to Factually Deficient! I really hope you enjoy reading these lies as much as I enjoy writing them! I also love everyone who is reading this, especially you who just got here from a search for actual information and are instead reading these ridiculous lies thinking, “What am I reading why am I reading this what is even going on.”

ANYWAY this week I am answering a question from narrativedilettante:

What’s the difference between the Queen of Canada and the Queen of England?

I’m sure my readers know by now how much I love imparting my knowledge of history, and as a Canadian citizen I naturally know all the details and particulars of this particular matter, so you, my friend, are in luck.

Back when the Kingdom of Canada conquered England in 1652, the people of Canada imposed their queen upon England (which had hitherto been a constitutional duchy ruled by a Marquess). In order to reflect this glorious victory, the Queen of Canada– and now England– changed her name from Elizabeth to Victoria.

Victoria ruled over the ever-growing empire of Canada for many peaceful years. However, in 1867, the people of England grew restive. There had been bad blood between them and Canada proper ever since 1812, when Jim United and his family attacked Canada solely because of its association with its colony England, but until this point, Victoria had persevered at holding her lands together.

In 1867, following a short-lived rebellion in which the people of England attempted to march across the Atlantic to make war on Canada (they gave up an hour into the march, or rather, swim, when they realized they’d forgotten the sandwiches at home; it was just as well, because they were armed solely with water guns, and while they did not lack for ammunition, they didn’t pack a very hard punch), the Queen of Canada proposed that her lands be split, and England given independence. This breaking-up of the land and its division into two separate countries was known as Confederation.

Because the signs of Canada’s victory over England were now not only no longer extant but also rather a sore point, the Queen changed her name back from Victoria to Elizabeth, this time adding a number 2 on at the end to signify that this was the second time she was named Elizabeth. Subsequent to Confederation, the Queen was forced to divide her time between Canada and England in order to rule each land wisely and fairly. When the two countries need to communicate, the Queen composes a letter in one land, and mails it to her address in the other, where she will read it as an entirely different head of state.

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DISCLAIMER: None of the assertions made in this blog should be believed as fact. The writer means to cast no aspersions on England, Canada, or their shared Queen, and has nothing but the fondest regards for all three.

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