In order to make up for last week’s late post, I’m going to post extra early this morning! Super exciting! I also need to thank all the amazing people who have been giving me questions because I love these questions, and please feel free to send me any more questions you are wondering about, forever.
This week, I will be answering a question from a Mr. Jack Alsworth. Jack asked:
Why are some U.S. states so small? You can hardly even see Rhode Island on a map! It’s very inconvenient.
My good sir! I’m very pleased that you asked me a history question! I am excited to answer it!
In order to understand the difference in size between some of the states in what I can only assume is your fair country, I need to delve back into history, to the discovery of the United States by one Jim United, for whom the country was named.
Jim, excited by the land he had found, determined that not only would he rule over it, but he would invite his whole family– fifty brothers and sisters (they had a complicated childhood)– to live there with him. In order to attract his family, he promised that each sibling would be allotted a portion of the land to rule over.
Alas, Jim was never good at math, having been always daydreaming about geography when he was supposed to be learning fractions, and as a result, was totally unequal to the task of dividing the land up equally. In his defense, the highly irregular shape of the new country did nothing to make his job easier. What resulted was what we see today– some states orders of magnitude larger than others, simply because Jim’s pen slipped when he was drawing on the blank map.
Jim decided to make a virtue of necessity, and as the sovereign in the land he had discovered, apportioned the different sizes of lands to his siblings in accordance with how much he liked them. Those brothers he was closest with were given the largest swathes of land, such as Texas and Montana, while Rhode Island, for example– which Mr. Alsworth commented on being particularly small– went to Jim’s oldest brother, Rhode Island United, a nasty fellow and a bully who had given Jim a miserable childhood. As for Alaska and Hawaii, Jim gave one to each of his two sisters without bothering about how big or small they were, on the totally accurate principal that girls (or possibly boys) are gross, and should be kept as far away as possible.
Although the land has undergone a change in system of government since those days, as well as a war against the United Kingdom (which felt that, as Jim United’s country of origin, it had a right to rule over his States), a Civil War, and a War of 1812 which Canada summarily won*, the states retain the names of the United siblings who first were entrusted with them, and the country itself still bears the name of its first ruler: The Jim United States.
*Canada’s victory in the War of 1812, unlike all or most of the other statements given in this post, is 100% nonfictional.
Disclaimer: Most of the assertions in this blog are wholly fabricated and false. The writer neither advocates rampant fraternal favouritism due to poor division skills nor adheres to the belief that girls are gross.